How to Set and Maintain Personal Boundaries in Relationships
Posted: Saturday, January 24, 2009
by Val Silver
TapInfinity
"Oh man, she called so I went over. Now she
calls all the time. I feel my energy being drained. I can't believe I
let myself get sucked in again."
If you have ever felt like this, you are not alone. Most of us have been taught to respect the obvious boundaries of property and material items. We know the rules of a game and play by them. When it comes to relationships, these rules are not as defined. Our desires, needs and belief systems complicate the dynamics. We may have no idea where healthy limits end and unhealthy codependency or enabling begins. We are clear about what is appropriate in some relationship areas while completely lacking in others. We may even have the knowledge, yet feel compelled emotionally, to repeat the behaviors that cause us to feel like we are being taken advantage of anyway.
For example, if you grew up in a home where
your parents raged and you developed a peacemaker pattern or became a
people-pleaser to calm the waters. As an adult, you still keep the
peace, even if manipulated or bullied. The feeling of anxiety in these
situations can be overwhelming. Regardless, allowing others to
disrespect you robs you of your own integrity, peace and happiness.
When you fail to set and maintain appropriate limits, you send the
message that since you do not respect yourself, they don't have to
either.
Subconsciously we may even create situations that draw people into our lives that trigger us to feel this way. How many times have you heard someone lament, "I always date the same person, just in a different body."? As counter-intuitive as this may sound, we may do this to provide ourselves opportunities to overcome and heal dysfunctional patterns. When we heal these patterns, we open ourselves to more satisfying relationships.
Setting Healthy Boundaries
Generally, when you are operating within a healthy space your interactions with others feels good. You give of yourself because you want to and it feels right. An exchange of energy or paying forward, a giving and receiving of resources, friendship, love and/or respect is evident. When this is not the case, you may feel guilty, anxious, resentful, pressured or manipulated even if it was entirely an inside job. Other people may be totally appropriate in their asking, but because you fail to say, "No," the resulting feelings will be the same.
How can you help yourself create and maintain personal boundaries?
If you have ever felt like this, you are not alone. Most of us have been taught to respect the obvious boundaries of property and material items. We know the rules of a game and play by them. When it comes to relationships, these rules are not as defined. Our desires, needs and belief systems complicate the dynamics. We may have no idea where healthy limits end and unhealthy codependency or enabling begins. We are clear about what is appropriate in some relationship areas while completely lacking in others. We may even have the knowledge, yet feel compelled emotionally, to repeat the behaviors that cause us to feel like we are being taken advantage of anyway.
Subconsciously we may even create situations that draw people into our lives that trigger us to feel this way. How many times have you heard someone lament, "I always date the same person, just in a different body."? As counter-intuitive as this may sound, we may do this to provide ourselves opportunities to overcome and heal dysfunctional patterns. When we heal these patterns, we open ourselves to more satisfying relationships.
Setting Healthy Boundaries
Generally, when you are operating within a healthy space your interactions with others feels good. You give of yourself because you want to and it feels right. An exchange of energy or paying forward, a giving and receiving of resources, friendship, love and/or respect is evident. When this is not the case, you may feel guilty, anxious, resentful, pressured or manipulated even if it was entirely an inside job. Other people may be totally appropriate in their asking, but because you fail to say, "No," the resulting feelings will be the same.
How can you help yourself create and maintain personal boundaries?
- Go slow. Practice in easier situations. Allow yourself to be flexible and experiment.
- Ask yourself what would make you comfortable considering the circumstances. When possible, anticipate a situation and decide a head of time what works for you. Be clear about your level of involvement from the beginning.
- Understand that if you have been allowing someone to take advantage of you, and then you draw a line in the sand, there could be some upheaval. Be ready to face the music. You may want to discuss the changes before such a situation presents itself.
- Prior to rescuing someone from their own choices, ask yourself if it will help them in the long run, or if it will just allow them to continue their destructive behavior with your help.
- Prepare to be tested by others, yourself and the universe. Being consistent will send a clear message. When you vacillate and give-in, it sends mixed messages and you won't be taken seriously. Remember that your previous patterns taught people how to treat you. Now they will have to be re-taught. Be firm, yet kind.
- If you continue to compromise
yourself because of worrying about what others think, try adding an
affirmation to your mental diet. Affirmations only work if you believe
them. They can be very powerful when combined with an energy healing
method such as the Emotional Freedom Technique. Here are two you might
like:
- *I am responsible for my feelings and emotions and (Sam/Susie) is responsible for his/hers.
- *I am worthy of respect from others and myself.
- If you are in an abusive relationship, it is important that you seek help from your licensed health provider or law enforcement agency before making any changes that could threaten your safety. This alone is a huge step in a positive direction.
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Top-level comments on this article: (9 total)Interesting article, Val. I'm about two thirds of the way through the book "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. Have you heard of it?I picked it up because I never understood proper boundaries and I obviously fit the description of someone unable to set proper boundaries. I guess I've been the peace maker in my family since I was young. Even though I've moved half-way across the United States I still can't seem to set healthy boundaries.I'm looking forward to more of your articles on boundaries. Keep up the excellent writing!Hi Bruce, Thanks for commenting!
No, I haven't heard of the book. Yeah, I think families are hardest- and they certainly know how to hit our triggers. This article was inspired by my work with a client and it got me thinking about my own boundary issues and how I've worked and still am working through them. I think we all have some!
More articles on boundaries? Hmmm. What would you like to hear about?
A fine article Val, I enjoyed it and can relate to it. However, I have now become old and crotchity and may not be able to adjust very much. Thanks for the well written information.Gee Joel, You don't look old and crotchety in your photo! Did you get the email I sent you about fish oil? ValHi Val, yes I did and I plan to try taking some although reading about it mainly emphasizes the benefit for your heart. I could use some of that too. And the picture, well, uh, it is 10 years old and the last professional photo I have. You wouldn't want to see the latest home made ones....ugh!
Excellent article, Val.What about the women who, coming from abusive homes, marry men who are also abusive? I've seen this often. They can't seem to break out of their limited boundary and establish new ones.Yes, hence my mention in the article about drawing the same situations in. Men have to deal with this too. I've been doing some interesting studying on energy and vibration- how when we vibrate at a certain frequency that is what we draw. That explains how like attracts like, and when we raise our vibration we can break out of those old patterns and draw a different type of person. Val
hi val,this was such a well written and interesting article. i have lived most angles, and you are so right in your suggestions. they are what got me where i am today,thanks for a helpful article,my best regards,sue thomThanks for the thumbs-up Sue. I bet you have...
Val,This is a great write! Your opening statement pulls the reader, job well done!Thanks for sharing it with us.Thanks Ronyae, the opening statement are from words spoken to me by a friend. I'm sure we've all been there.Good friend.
This is an amazing article. Val has put incredible insight into this question.My favorite part was:*I am responsible for my feelings and emotions and (Sam/Susie) is responsible for his/hers.*I am worthy of respect from others and myself.Thanks Gregory, I'm glad you like the affirmations. The truth of them resonates with the truth inside you- truth we often forget. Hope you have good luck with them, Val
Val, I just love your articles! They seem to be getting better and better! You have incredible insight into things, truly a gift!Keep up the great work!Thanks Peter! No pressure- gulp!! I am enjoying writing the articles. It gets addictive (must be the dopamine!)
Val, I loved this informative article, talking about "never to old to learn", I especially like the part and I quote "If you continue to compromise yourself because of worrying about what others think, try adding an affirmation to your mental diet". I think I will hang that up at my work....that is sound advice, I love the message, the experience, and the whole content of this article, well done, well researched....your friend in pen.......GaryThanks for your kind words. I have some affirmations by my computer. Glad you enjoyed the article. Val.
Val, you are a wealth of great information. I am sure I speak for many when I say you are a wonderful asset. Not just to searchwarp, but to the net and all who search out this kind of help. Keep it coming. Lord bless your efforts, girlie :-)Wow- what can I say (blush). Thanks Teresa. I know I have you and the others who comment so kindly here on Searchwarp to thank for getting me to keep writing. And I'm finally glad to have a way to share all I've been learning over the years.
You too, eh? Val
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